Fingers crossed – this will be one of many weekly themed posts that will come out every Monday, or at least Mondays in general.
If you have nothing better to do and you’re sick of the usual A Grade films, then feel free to fill your DVD or hard drive with this and future jargon.
To begin with, let me take you back to 1970. Future Roller Girl and swinging sixties Austin Powers chick Heather Graham is born. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career begins. Janis Joplin carks it.
In the same year, Academy Award winner of the silver screen Joan Crawford carks it too. Well, kind of – Crawford actually dies in 1977, but her film career dies in 1970, all thanks to the British Horror-on-a-shoestring-budget TROG.
Set in the present day of 1970, 3 cave explorers wander into a dodgy looking hillside cave, thanks to the films prop department, and stumble upon what appears to be an untouched cave, which appears to be extremely well lit for the location of being 6 feet under. Yet, they still need torches to see and explore where they’re going. The trio venture on, wandering around the studio-cum-fibreglass cave until they discover an indoor lake/river system. Without thinking twice, 2 of the 3 guys strip down, hop in and with their torches, carry on into the ‘dark’ to find another open cave dwelling.
The leader of the pack walks around in his underpants, exploring further, then is attacked out of nowhere, by a hairy blur. The blood curdling screams of agony are answered by the second man, struggling to get through the water, discovering his mate with his face smashed in. He then turns around with a horror shock on his face, with the screen cutting away – only he knows what this thing or creature looks like and has survived to tell the tale.
We’re then introduced to our star of the film – Joan Crawford, as Anthropologist Dr. Brockton, who is put on the case to find out what this mysterious cave creature is. Dr Brockton gives the witnessing survivor some friendly Q &
A, whom has been given the all clear to juice up the over acting flipping around the bed antics. Just like your lovely grandmother, Dr. Brockton wants some answers, but also delivers comfort to your bedside. You can feel the love.
With the third cave explorer untouched and sane, Dr. Brockton enlists him to go on an exploration in the cave, to find this hideous monster that dwells within. Upon casually strolling around, a hole is found in the wall, which leads to the cave the explorers found when they swam in the river/puddle they were in earlier. Dr. brockton reaches out her portable and compact camera (the size of her head) and takes the money shot.
From there, we bump into the future Alfred of the first 4 studio Batman films – Bernard Kay – Mr Murdock – property developer, who is one of the bad guys of the film. Dr. Brockton wants to study the so-called monster, but Mr Murdock thinks it’s a bad idea, and wants to destroy the cave so he can develop the land. When TV stations intrude on TROG’s cave, he escapes, but Dr. Brockton captures him and takes him in for testing.
After weeks of teching TROG on how to interact with toys, colours and music, TROG seems to have accustomed well to Dr, Brockton. But all turns for the worse when Mr Murdock breaks in one day, destroys the lab, and allows TROG to escape, and wreck havoc on the township, murdering and kidnapping along the way, so he can just go home.
The movie has highly poor acting, and the budget is stretched so thin, there is an urban legend that Joan Crawford brought her own wardrobe with her and wore her own clothing in screen. The mask itself is neither convincing – looking like a paper mache mask with a wig glued to it to cover the neck joins. The conversion to digital doesn’t do it any good as you can see where the skin stops, and the paint joins. Also, the diet that TROG is on, I didn’t know he would enjoy rubber lizards.
The rating system for this is different to the regular review ratings. The more heads, the worse it is for the better. This week: Dolph Lundgren (apologies to Tony Martin).