What do you get when you have
* highly popular white rapper
* a hit single and album
* a trend-setting ego
* loads of money from a record company that is covered in cocaine
* a movie studio at your disposal?
If possible, cast your mind back to 1991. Ice Ice Baby had frozen the charts. 40 million copies of To The Extreme album were sold worldwide. Live action film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had been a huge success, it spawned a sequel, starring Vanilla Ice himself. The world – was literally at his feet.
Then this piece of diabolical shit was laid out in front of us.
The opening credits begin with Mr Robert Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, raps his way through, with guest sex symbol Naomi Campbell, trying to be cool. But no one can be as cool as Mr Ice. After Ice struts his stuff while rapping and not exhausted from dancing at the same time, we’re thrown straight into the deep end. Walking along a dark, misty alleyway with Ice’s posse. Out of nowhere, some blonde bird comes up as gives him her number.
It must be his stylish haircut.
So, the audience is familiar with our main hero. He’s fashionable. His songs are wicked. He owns the world. He owns fluro motorcycles that he has bought his entourage. In a scene that resembles Top Gun and Hot Shots, a blessed countryside bike ride turns into an ego stroke when he sees a cute horse rider Kathy, training her horse. So naturally, out to impress, he jumps his bike over the fence, nearly hitting the horse, but sending Kathy tit-over-arse. Obviously not impressed, Ice drives off to his destination – a colourful painted house that looks like a kiddie offender would try and seduce in wrongful ways.
Skipping forward, Ice and Co. see Kathy on TV – as well as two black suited guys. The two guys a stunned when Kathy’s dad (played by Family Ties dad Michael Gross) appears on screen. We then discover he has a shady past.
Throughout the movie, Ice is chasing after Kathy. Kathy has a long term boyfriend, who appears to be squeaky clean. Ice tries all the liners on her but fail…
You know – this movie is so hard to explain, I’ve lost interest in writing about it. Let me put up a bunch of screenshots and I’ll try to describe the scene.
Ice attempts but fails.
Kathy’s dad gets a strange phone call and gets visitors.
Ice visits Kathy at home and finds out she’s not there. Kathy’s mum refuses to reveal where she is, but younger likes the jib of Ice, so he blurts out she’s at the Sugar Shack.
Ice turns up to Sugar Shack with his gang. There’s bad music being performed. Obviously bad, so when Ice lays doesn some licks – he sounds shit hot.
Kathy’s squeaky clean boyfriend brings out a bottle of alcohol, and starts drinking.
Ice steals the microphone and starts rapping, bringing down the house.
Kathy and boyfriend leave, while drunk boyfriend drives home.
Kathy’s dad starts running into his shady past – with name changes being revealed by the suited men. Starts getting hassled.
Ice still keeps attempting to win over Kathy.
Kathy’s dad refuses to give in to thugs.
Kathy’s younger brother gets kidnapped.
Ice gets asked to help rescue him.
Brother gets rescued.
Kathy is smitten.
Ice wins over Kathy.
Ice breaks out tunes.
Audience realises movie is a direct rip-off of “Rebel Without A Cause”.
Director David Kellogg disowned film.
Now I’m about to go throw up. Please excuse me.
This week’s ratings is brought to you by one of the Milli Vanillis.