Movies Review

Bad Movie Monday: The Room

For full effect, break up the sentences and think of an accent that’s mixed with Stallone & Schwarzenegger.

What would you do if your qualifications were film school, storytelling at a primary school level, and had $7 million to burn? Make a dodgy movie. That’s what you’d do.

From Director Tommy Wiseau, comes an action drama comedy piece of shit authentic disasterpiece of love, adultery, romance, thrills, sports, suspense and mystery, all in one. I’ll try and explain this to you as simple as possible, as this film has so many layers to it, it’ll make an onion cry.

Ohhai Tie!

We’re introduced to Johnny (played by the main guy Wiseau) who is a successful banker. So successful, his future wife Lisa (Juliette Danielle) is spoilt rotten. Johnny is always buying her gifts, and along with the gifts, he gets hot slow motion sex to go with it. Surprisingly the sex happens in between the frequent visitors that come to their house. By house, I mean the cardboard cut-out that makes the Neighbours set look like a mansion. During the sexfests, we meet Johnny’s little pubescent orphan Denny (Phillip Haldiman), who has a huge crush on Lisa, in which I’m sure he bats off to while doing his homework. There’s Mark (Greg Sestero), Johnny’s best friend, and Claudette (Carolyn Minnott)  who is the loving gold digging mother who is corrupting Lisa and always giving the worst but meaningful advice.

Ohhai sex scene!

One day Johnny comes home and announces he fucked up at the bank and won’t be getting his promotion (he didn’t fuck up, but it sounds better if I said he did), which Lisa confesses to her mum that she doesn’t love him anymore as she finds him boring. Claudette tells Lisa to stay with him because even though he didn’t get the promotion, he still has money and Johnny promised her he’ll buy her a house eventually. While Johnny is at work, Lisa calls Mark, tells him to come over for something, and begins seducing him. Mark tries to refuse, but gives in. After Mark leaves, Denny pops his head in to see if Johnny is home. After perving on her, he wants to kiss her but she refuses, in which he goes home. Later on, Johnny comes home, Lisa gets him drunk, and another sex scene appears before our eyes.

Ohhai blow job!

The next day, while Johnny is out, Claudette comes over for more motherly advice, and Lisa makes up a lie – Johnny hit her while drunk. Claudette tells her to stay with him because she also wants part of the so-called house Lisa is going to get. After they leave, a loving couple who are friends with Johnny & Lisa come over and have sex on their lounge. Naturally you’d break in to your best mate’s place and bonk like rabbits while they aren’t home. This scenario is interrupted when Lisa and Claudette come home and find them on the lounge. Lisa shrugs it off and they leave.

Ohhai Drug Dealer!

Now, we discover that Denny is a rebellious one, hanging out with the wrong people. Enter the infamous green screen rooftop. Denny faces off with some really odd drug dealer, asking for money. Just as he’s about to get shot in the head, everyone from Johnny’s place appears at the right time on the roof and apprehend the dealer. Here, you get to see the most corniest acting in the movie. After slapping 7 kinds of shit out of Denny, it’s all over for another day.

Later on, Johnny goes for a stroll to the rooftop after finding out he’s been accused of assaulting Lisa, but to his surprise Mark is hanging out ont he rooftop too. Mark is stewing over the affair he’s having with Lisa, while Johnny turns the tables and makes it all about himself, saying how much he is grateful to have Mark as his best friend, and Lisa as his future wife who is committed and loved. From there, we realise they way all of them wind down is by throwing the pig-skin around, whether they are on the roof, in the alleyway, in the park, or in their wedding attire.

Ohhai Mark!

With only an hour to go, there’s more back-stabbing, the wedding practice, an “expecting” announcement, Johnny’s birthday, and a scene where Johnny goes ape-shit, but then forgives and forgets. Watch out for the twist at the end – it’ll leave you breathless.

The wooden acting and voice over dubbing is second to none, while the limit of 4 sets is amazingly shithouse. The Room does get midnight screenings around the world, and while Wiseau tries to acknowledge the film was intentionalyl bad, other actors in the film have stated otherwise. Some have joined his side, such as Danielle who has her own maintained Facebook page in dedication to her dodgy work on the film.

It took me about 3 attempts to watch this film in one day. I did struggle, completely confused with the scene and story jumping. The ending I was happy with, though some people wish it would happen in real life. Only watch this with someone with an IQ lower than yourself. The trailer is possibly the best highlight of the film.

It’s so bad – it’s fantastic!

You can also have a drinking game with this movie. Everytime someone walks into a scene and is greeted with “Ohhai <INSERT NAME>!”, take a shot. You’ll be drunk within 5 minutes. Maybe it’s the best way to watch this film.

This week’s bad movie is brought to you by the head of Steven Seagal.

/5

Comments

comments

Matt
Owner and Operator of Wireless Fodder. Lover of Australian pop culture, comedy, and obscurities. Works in Australian media, enjoys a beer or three. Happily married to an American.

Leave a Reply