Who’s more powerful? Someone with bite, or someone with … dangly … things…? You have your blockbuster hits. Then you have your US Godzilla remake.
Then there’s your Hollywood parodies.
Then there’s Troma.
Then there’s independent studios.
Then there’s The Asylum.
You know those joke movies that you and your friends think of when a disaster movie comes out? “Oh, a giant crocodile living in a lake… wrecking havoc on a small town!” or “Oh, Jaws in the beach wrecking havoc on a small town! Imagine if a town was attacked by a giant ant/worm/bed bug!” – The good folks at The Asylum studios have made those dreams come true.
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is a polished up independent film with a budget of a million dollars, and it shows.
Yes, a giant octopus.
We begin with the waters and mountains of Alaska, where a military chopper is flying around, doing something suspicious. Convincing. Then, we’re introduced to our main person – a cute blonde scientist Emma MacNeil, played by 80s pop sensation Debbie “Electric Youth” Gibson (though credited as Deborah Gibson). For the sake of the review, and to make things easier to take the piss – I’ll refer to her as Debbie.
So, Debbie is in a mini submarine exploration vehicle, checking out the Alaskan waters, purely controlled by a feeble joystick and a control panel that’s a plastic stencil. With CGI as realistic as Toy Story (note: sarcasm), Debbie checks out the marine life – tortoises, whales, fish – they’re all there. She then discovers some sonar interference which the helicopter has placed in the water. It explodes, which chisels away at a gigantic iceberg, revealing some type of mammal frozen in time – the octopus. The submarine films the scene with its grainy footage, and Debbie returns to the surface.
Debbie returns home, and during that time, the giant octopus has thawed out and quickly swam to Tokyo, destroying an oil rig. Methinks that the octopus was a horny bugger and tried to hump something that was squirting oil. If you listen carefully to the workers, they’re having a conversation about urinating on another co-worker, which has led to harassment. Dirty people. After some flashing lights on the screen, giant octopus wraps his tentacles around the rig, raping the bastard.
Back on the beach, Debbie has been called to a report of a beached whale with chunks missing from its torso. She gets her wrists slapped from her superior officer because she borrowed the sub without permission. Tsk Tsk. Debbie needs a spanking! Upon closer inspection, Debbie discovers something hard and out of place in the flesh.
Cut to a Tokyo detention centre (the Japanese are always related to a marine disaster movie), we’re invited to watch a prisoner who appears to have an Aussie accent, be interrogated by Japanese doctor Seiji Shimada, who has a more fluent english accent than the prisoner. Also, to make things easier, I’ll refer to him as “The Doctor”.
Another quick cut to a passenger plane, flying fast and rough in the sky – a passenger is getting restless. After being calmed down by the flight attendant, everything is okay. Until, he just happens to look out the window at the right time, with a convincing “Holy shit!”, we meet our mega friend – Mr Shark, who appears to be a flying shark. Mega Shark grabs the plane and brings it into the water to use as a toy.
Back to Debbie, she’s at her place after being fired by her work. Puzzled at what she probably saw in the last scene, she catches up with Professor Sanders, an Irish Professor who taught her at college. To make things easier, I’ll call him “The Professor”. After catching up, they examine the mysterious piece of whatever found in the whale. It’s a giant shark’s tooth! cue dramatic music.
But the Professor wants back up, so he calls in his mate – The Doctor, who flies in from Japan. As soon as he touches down, he meets up with Debbie. Straight away – sexual attraction. We really needed some romance in this movie. After some hearty handshakes, they head back to the office, where The Doctor shoes Debbie and The Professor some sketches of what might be an octopus, but not sure… mainly images that look like they were drawn by a ten year old. Just as they realise it could be a giant octopus, a DVD arrives at the right time in the mail, featuring the video from the submarine from earlier in the movie.
Their suspicions were confirmed.
Insert stock footage of sea life, then cut to a navy war ship. A sailor with his binoculars convincingly yells that he sees a shark, so the navy attack it with full force. When that fails, the captain of the ship yells “Noooooo!!!”, with screen cutaways confirming they had been sunk.
Back on dry land, Debbie, Doctor and Professor are taken away by the military to be interrogated. Debbie reveals it’s an octopus while the military shows reports of shark attacks on a shitty world map. A mutual agreement is struck – capture the shark and octopus for scientific research.
Debbie mixes liquids in the lab to look like they’re doing scientific. Hours have crept by, but no luck into how they’re going to capture the mofos. While taking a break, Debbie and Doctor bond over styrofoam coffee. Awwwwww. It seems all this science talk has made them horny, so they go and play “slide the crab stick into the calamari ring”. Professor grovels in the background, think that he wished he’d hit that ass.
After claiming the sex was “oh, that was good!”, Doctor talks about physical sexual attraction and pheromones. Both Debbie and Doctor have an epiphany – use pheromones to attract both the shark and octopus. They designate capture areas (USA for shark, Tokyo for Octopus) and Doctor flies back to start the trap.
Meanwhile, the military send a fighter jet to fly over the octopus area with a sonar to pin-point the location. When the octopus goes out of range, the jet flies lower, then gets attacked by the octopus. Debbie sneaks into institute to steal sub again, to find the shark with the pheromone. Just as she goes to plant the trap, the robotic arm stalls.
Suddenly, Mega Shark is on its way – heading directly at the navy. They open fire, but the bullets repel off the shark. With one big chomp – the navy ship is gone. The shark goes on a rampage, biting through the Golden Gate Bridge (cliche enough to get innocent human death count up). Nomnomnomnom. Mega Shark disappears. Doctor reports in from Tokyo saying they’ve lost Giant Octopus from their range. The Military decide to use nukes to kill them both.
Back on dry land again, Debbie stands and ponders off into the sunset on the beach. After a nightmare, Debbie realises to kill them, they need to put them both up against each other. So, using the submarines to set the bait up again, Debbie and Doctor say their farewells via grainy video. As they travel to the planned water area, they find a destroyed navy ship. Mega Shark pops up out of nowhere, attacking the submarine. The navy turns up to scare the shark off while the submarine escapes into the depths of the ocean. Just when all is good – Giant Octopus pops up and destroys the naval ships in a swift move. Now, both Mega Shark and Giant Octopus are chasing Debbie in the sub. (Probably revenge on Electric Youth)
Just as they head to open waters, they bump into Doctor and his submarine. But, the driver of Debbie’s submarine goes nuts and refuses to pilot anymore, prompting The Professor to take over. Just as Mega Shark is about to catch the submarine, Giant Octopus grabs him from below. After a struggle, Mega Shark bites off a tentacle and swims free. Back in the Japanese submarine with Doctor, the crew are talking strategies (amazingly in fluent english). Meanwhile, Mega Shark catches up with Debbie’s sub, and just manage to get away, but with the sub taking on damage, Debbie, Professor and the military dude escape into the mini submarine.
This is when it gets dirty.
The Japanese sub swims by and shoots Mega Shark.
Giant Octopus attacks Japanese sub, by throwing it around like a toothpick.
Debbie, fearing Doctor will die, navigates through the struggle as a distraction.
Mega Shark and Giant Octopus go head to head again.
Giant Octopus strangles Mega Shark, while Mega Shark bites off more tentacles.
Both start sinking to the ocean floor. Mega Shark drowns, Giant Octopus bleeds to death.
Then it all wraps up nice and quickly – Debbie and Doctor are on the beach, basking in the sunset, pondering their life and thinking of producing Anglo-Asian babies together. Even Professor drops by with documents on more things to explore in the near future.
The End… or is it?
The sequel will be reviewed in the future.
This week’s ratings system is brought to you by 16 year old Debbie Gibson.