Movies Review

Bad Movie Monday: Titanic 2

You know when you see a blockbuster disaster movie and think “Oh, wouldn’t it be funny if they made a sequel? It can’t happen, as it all ends in the first film!”

The good people at The Asylum have struck again with the impossible. The sinking feeling I got when this film landed in my lap, thinking “well, at least I don’t have to put up with Celine Dion!”  came to mind.

Titanic 2 (or Titanic II, which ever way you want to view it) is not a sequel, but more of a mockbuster. Set in April 2012, celebrating 100 years since the unfortunate event of the Titanic sinking, killing hundreds of people. But let’s look at how history is about to repeat itself, with a modern twist.

Welcome to Greenland.

Clean, fresh air, crisp, clean water, and a shit-load of ice. Unfortunately, with a peaceful, untouched area, comes disaster from global warming. The earth is heating up, and it decides to go whoop-ass on Greenland’s icebergs. A solo surfer in the water is catching waves from bits of icebergs breaking away. Just as he’s getting a kick out of it, a second, larger piece of ice breaks away, causing a massive wave, engulfing him. That’ll teach him.

We then meet Senator Robert Kelly.. I mean James Maine (played by Bruce Davison), who appears to be a marine biologist scientist type guy who works for the military. We’ll stick with the government. While doing his 9 to 5 job, he discovers some distrubance in Greenland’s icelandic region, so he goes to investigate.

Elsewhere, the Titanic II is about to go on its maiden voyage. The new cruise ship was paid for by multi-playboy-billionaire Hayden Walsh (Shane Van Dyke) who arrives on the boat to be on its first trip. Funnily enough, Hayden’s ex-girlfriend Amy Maine (Marie Westbrook) just happens to be part of the on board crew, and the daughter of James. Some tension builds up with some awkward “He used to be cool, now the money and success has gone to his head” ramblings from the ex girlfriend to the gossipy friend. Still, the sexual attraction is still there, and they’re constantly looking at each other out of focus. That’s love right there. While on the phone to her dad, James reveals that the boat has barely skipped the safety inspection so it could make the anniversary voyage date. Obviously it’ll be safe… right?

Later on, Hayden introduces the soon-to-be-doomed cabin crew of the Titanic II, with everything looking peachy keen and clean. The boat is aligned and sets sail to the open waters.

Back with James, the forensic science unit are on the big ice glacier in Greenland that’s on the verge of breaking, which will cause a tsunami. So they try and take samples for research. Back on the boat, Hayden and Amy bump into each other, having a brief catch-up. The Captain of the ship then gets word on the possibility of the iceberg breaking and heading their direction if it does. the confidence could kill a cat. Back with the researchers, everythign is in order, until a cylinder sample falls out of one of the researchers hands, causing the iceberg to break apart. The look on the guy’s face is “WTF have I done?” who then later perishes between the cracks. James and the female researcher race back to the helicopter in time and escape, just as the iceberg hits the water.

Upon realising what has happened, James has to contact his daughter on the Titanic II, to let her know that a tsunami is officially in their path. To prove how destructive the ice and wave is, a submarine underneath gets destroyed instantly. Unfortunately James cannot get through to Amy on her mobile, so an official alert is paged through to the crew of Titanic II, in which all staff are to join the patrons in the dining hall for an emergency evacuation. Hayden heads to the control deck, and initiates the engines to go full pelt. Unfortunately, due to the safety inspection skimping, the engines burn out quickly, and the first tidal wave hits the boat, along with a piece of the iceberg. The patrons run amuck. and the ship falls to its side.

As chaos gets thrown into the mix, Hayden, Amy and friend make a run for the on-board lifeboats. They use the lift to get to the boats, but get trapped as the lift short circuits out. Amazingly, Amy has phone reception, and her dad calls, saying to avoid the lifeboats as another tidal wave, twice as big and with more ice, is heading their way. If they hop in the lifeboats, they will perish. They manage to escape the lift, but Amy’s friend gets crushed in half when a protective door closes shut after they try to escape through it.

More obstacles get in the way of Hayden and Amy, such as water mains bursting, electrical wires touching puddles of water, and the odd person dying in a room they’ve passed, in which that can’t rescue in time. Just as the ship sinks more, the second, even larger wave crashes into them, getting them trapped in the room. The water rises, and Hayden is starting to become the Leonardo DiCaprio of the fim – sacrificing himself for Amy. The water is freezing, air is running out, and there’s only one air tank.

Amy’s dad James arrives via the helicopter in time, but is running out of fuel. James jumps in with his scuba gear, while the researcher chick is forced to use the life-raft to escape. The pilot crashes the helicopter into the water, and dies. While the researcher chick stays safely in the raft, James finds Amy and a ‘drowned’ Hayden in the wreck, and rescues them and gets them into the life-raft. However, things don’t look so good for Hayden. In true Titanic style – he’s already dead, sacrificing his life for Amy.

Then the credits roll.

What have we learnt from this? Don’t board a boat that’s named Titanic.

This week’s reviewing head is brought to you by Celine Dion.

/5

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Matt
Owner and Operator of Wireless Fodder. Lover of Australian pop culture, comedy, and obscurities. Works in Australian media, enjoys a beer or three. Happily married to an American.

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